Tyron Whittaker
Monday, June 30, 2014
✗ "I am next!" ✗
simply breath taking.
-- this will be my something blue. a little blahnicks never hurt nobody.
one day. xxx
✗ A different kind of LOVE... ✗
"And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I will smile at you with joy."
Noah (The Notebook)
✗ Changed heart, changed views... ✗
"When our hearts are changed, we see things we never saw before, hear cries that we never before heard, and act out of a compassion that we did not have before."
Christine Caine
Sunday, June 29, 2014
✗ Welcome Home (Pt. 6) ✗
"CHURCH: Where dreams are made - Friendships are forged - Success begins - Hope is given - Love is found!"
Brian Houston
✗ I appreciate you ✗
"Let’s not take for granted the people and relationships that God has put in our lives to bless us. Find a way to appreciate them today! Remember, what you appreciate increases in value in your eyes!"
Joseph Prince
✗ Change (Pt. 8) // Open... ✗
is funny how we experience new and divine connections in unexpected situations. it is even funnier how that flow does not end. M spoke about it today how it was so effortless and all, and as usual i just brushed it off casually -- but it came to reality yet again and i played the role of denial which fear had probably to blame. realised it was the source of all disconnections as i was holding back in another unknown territory. well, i can safely say: "not. any. more."
being friendly and open never hurt nobody. xxx
✗ "3 Benefits of Being Enthusiastic in Church" by Rich Langton ✗
One thing I’ve noticed, especially at some church events and conferences, is that most people play it safe. They’re more reserved and more self-conscious than they normally would be. Few approach every aspect of these gatherings, at least to begin with, with confidence and enthusiasm.
Some turn up to church ready to go. They're enthusiastic. They’re not even thinking about how others perceive them, or what others think. It’s all about Jesus, and what He would have them learn and do.
Other people arrive with the complete opposite outlook. They show up, but in reality their minds are not focused on giving and receiving from God. They’re caught up in distraction and self-focus.
I know which of these people I would like to be!
I am nowhere near perfect, but my aim is to be intentional about my attendance at church. My aim is to be fully present from the start - undistracted - and with my complete attention on all God is doing, and all He has for those attending, right through to the end of the service. My hope is that I allow God to speak to me and make me aware of the things I need to grow in and change.
There are great reasons for coming to church this way. So here are three benefits of being enthusiastic in church:
1. You help bring out the best in other people.
When you're confident in who God has created you, and you're comfortable expressing that confidence in any gathering of the Church, it has a tangible impact on others. When you’re open, warm, and friendly, it helps those around you to be the same. It even helps increase and encourage faith. This goes especially for the preaching and worship. Your enthusiasm during those portions of the meeting encourage the preacher or worship leader, to speak with courage and conviction, or lead with confidence and authority. In turn, this helps everyone present to be built up and inspired in faith. By simply giving your best you can help others and allow them to grow and be enriched.
2. You gain more from the experience.
It’s incredible what an attitude of openness and receptivity can do. When you’re fully engaged, leaning in, and attentive, you take more in and remember more. It’s impossible to gain all that God has for you when you’re distracted, or thinking about all the other things going on in your life. But, by choosing to worship God with extravagance, to listen to all that’s said with open ears, and to participate in every way with enthusiasm, you will take away so much more than you will by being half-hearted and noncommittal.
3. You can create a platform for change.
If we’re honest we all find change difficult. Working on our shortcomings and improving ourselves is impossible without careful attention. When you decide to open yourself to ALL God would want you to learn, to change and aspire to, you create the perfect platform for Him to bring real and lasting transformation into your life.
Imagine your life being changed for eternity, simply by choosing to be receptive to all God is trying to say to you while attending church.
What an incredible thought to contemplate!
As you attend church this weekend, or as you go to Hillsong Conferences in a couple of weeks, my encouragement to you is to allow God to use you to bless others. Be completely open to what He wants to teach you. Also, intentionally take away all you can every time the people of God gather whether that is in a small group, youth meeting, or church. You’re sure to witness God transform the lives of others and do the same in your life too.
Over to you…
✗ 10 Things I've Learnt about Leading a Creative Team (#11 is my favourite) by Cass Langton ✗
1. As creatives, we are evangelists. We tell stories of God's faithfulness using all kinds of mediums to help open people's hearts to the Gospel.
2. It takes hard work, commitment and talent to achieve great results - just because we are the Church doesn't mean we should be second rate. God deserves our best.
3. Everything's better with laughter and food.
4. You need a commitment to finding people's talents and where they fit, in order to unleash the gifts God has placed within the body of Christ.
5. Every idea has merit. It's what you discard and what you keep that makes all the difference.
6. Create a safe place for collaboration and don't be afraid of different ideas. Iron sharpens iron.
7. Worship is everything we are, all we bring and all we offer... Allow people to sacrifice out of their own life for the greater good... It's sacrifice that allows our offering to be - come worship and not mere entertainment.
8. Create a can-do culture where there's satisfaction in what we can achieve together, all to the Glory of God. Start with yes then work backwards.
9. Allow people to belong and help them to see where they can contribute. creatives need community to flourish. Solitude is good for creativity, but only to a point.
10. There's a difference between the dreamers and doers and both have a valid and valuable place in the kingdom.
A little creativity with my 10 tips means we end on my favourite!!
11. None of this matters if it's just for creativity alone. Always keep the main thing the main thing... Jesus
Saturday, June 28, 2014
✗ Waiting & Expecting... . ✗
even with all of my close treasures being in different seasons... married, attached, and working in progress... we're all waiting on something in our respective lives, and expecting our visions to play out to a better reality. not saying no backs were put into it, but rather we do what we simply can, and then allow the rest to be opened in it's destined time. most important is that we don't ever give up -- despite the fleeting thoughts, our two feet are still persistently firm on the ground. june started off as a come back month, and july shall be one of greater beginnings where we allow our hope to rise, bigger visions to be released, and desires be over met.
something is definitely in the horizon, and it's getting brighter by the hour. the air is getting fresher as the deep calls out. here's waiting and expecting. xxx
something is definitely in the horizon, and it's getting brighter by the hour. the air is getting fresher as the deep calls out. here's waiting and expecting. xxx
Friday, June 27, 2014
✗ Another update on the journey... by Darlene Zschech ✗
Hey everyone. Praying that this little message finds you doing really well.
I thought I would take a moment and write another short update for all who are asking. You are all so kind and your words and prayers mean so much. We are all doing well, the finish line is definitely in sight (about another 5 weeks) and the family and I are pretty focussed on getting there in good spirits and with a song still in our hearts.
Let me tell you, radiation is a whole different ball game than chemo. This new stage brings a whole new set of medical staff and new friends on the journey. Also, this stage requires daily treatment whereby I have radiation 5 days a week. Although full on and confronting on a daily basis, at least you feel a whole lot better than chemo – tiredness being the biggest challenge.
On the first day of radiation I was terrified. I found myself thinking crazy thoughts of being burned etc., these thoughts stemming from the doctors who have to tell you all the ‘worst case scenarios’ in an effort to prepare you. Whilst staring at the door of the treatment room, on the first day, I was seriously thinking about running out of waiting room. I was planning my escape and running seemed like such a sweet idea. Thankfully, that very day, I started my day by reading my Joseph Prince devotional for that day which read ‘Jesus has you covered.’ That He is my burnt offering and that He covers me from head to toe with His righteousness. I cannot even begin to tell you how much this meant to me and gave me the confidence I needed to walk through the treatment doors on that first day and to keep turning up.
Through this journey I am discovering again and again, that no matter how dark your darkest day may be, God holds you. Even at the bottom of the deepest pit, He is still there, calming you, reassuring you that He is still in control. I lean into this truth everyday and in and through this, the miracles I am finding are amazing me. They are there if we choose to see them.
Additionally, my heart to worship Him grows with every passing hour. The songs and prayers are coming (slowly) with great clarity. I have found that when the business of the ‘ordinary’ is brought to a stand still what we are able to hear is amazing.
That’s it for now. I’m honoured to be speaking in church this Sunday morning and for the next few weeks, my message is entitled ‘It is well with my soul’. I pray that by the grace of God it will bring life to many.
Love you all and so thankful for your love and prayers…
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
✗ & You came to my rescue... ✗
"Still the Lord is faithful and true to His promises,
He will strength you,
setting you on a firm foundation,
holding you up and guarding you from evil."
2 Thessalonians 3:3 (AMP & The Voice)
✗ "25 Confessions of a Worship Team" by Autumn Hardman ✗
A confession is a statement of faith and conviction that unites people around common beliefs. A confession is also the true story behind a situation or person often held in question. In other words, confessions tell of ''what really happens'' up close and personal.
Our aim is that these would not only be declarations of faith and conviction of who we aspire to be, but they would also be statements of the ''true story'' behind who we actually are as individuals and as a Hillsong Worship team.
25 Confessions of a Worshipping Team:
1. We know that leadership is for service not status.
2. We are not moved by accolades or criticism. We simply carry on following Christ and becoming His disciples more each day.
3. We know that our mandate is to be worshippers - always, in everything, wherever we are.
4. We are family - we laugh and cry together, walk the mountains and valleys together.
5. We look for the best in others and push them to succeed beyond ourselves.
6. We are a generational team who we step aside to let others through.
7. We choose unity above personal agenda. It is not about ''me'' and ''my'' but rather ''we'' and ''ours''.
8. We understand that if the team wins, we all win. Functioning together in unity is more important than the personal success of one.
9. We are willing to help with any task big or small because we value every part that is played both seen and unseen.
10. We honour the platform we’ve been entrusted with by living godly lives and by serving with uncomplicated, humble spirits.
11. We build church and the Kingdom not just our own area.
12. We recognize that as leaders, we must constantly improve.
13. We prepare because we value excellence and diligence of craft in every area.
14. We refuse to be offended by feedback. Instead, we choose to grow and change.
15. We honour our leaders always and support the mantle upon their lives.
16. We lead from a place of personal devotion, humble gratitude, and confident authority.
17. We are a team that lives and breathes faithfulness, with a heart full of gratitude.
18. We are bringers of people, ideas, skill, craft, and talent.
19. We love and value the word and our non-negotiable is personal devotion time.
20. We love Jesus above all else. We speak of Him often and we keep His name on our lips.
21. We know that none of us are good enough without Him it’s His presence that marks us and sets us apart.
22. We recognize that our creativity is a gift from the Creator, for His glory alone.
23. We are aware of the Holy Spirit and lean into what He is doing.
24. We trust God in everything we do.
25. We are a team that is caught in the act of believing God always.
My prayer is that these will be useful to you, that they will inspire and challenge you no matter the role or part you play in church life, to be authentic and genuine in your love and pursuit of Jesus Christ.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
✗ Change (Pt. 7) / Deeper… ✗
seems like change has been the theme of this month. some more significant than others, but there is still a fair bit of adaptations to be played out. it is quite alarming how swift time, months and even years can fly by just like that. so many experiences and connections have come and gone, hence the nostalgic emotions rising up sporadically. am definitely expecting more shifts and accelerations as the journey deepens. here's to a whole other level of trust without borders as i take yet another faith step. ahhh, open seas. least the air is fresh.
"You never failed, and You won't stop now." xxx
"You never failed, and You won't stop now." xxx
:: I trust in You, completely ::
"So let go my soul and trust in Him,
The waves and wind still know His name."
Bethel Music
Monday, June 23, 2014
:: He guards you now & always ::
"God guards you from every evil, He guards your very life.
He guards you when you leave and when you return,
He guards you now, He guards you always."
He guards you when you leave and when you return,
He guards you now, He guards you always."
Psalm 121:7-8 (Message)
:: "You have a purpose, but are you living it?" by Esther Whoo ::
What's the 'why' behind my dreams?
What do you love to do? What are you good at? What do your friends ask for your help with? Find the ‘why’ behind your dreams. Chances are that there is much more purpose behind your dreams than you realize.
If your dream is to become a flight attendant because you want to travel, that's fine. But find the 'why' behind it. Why do you want to travel? What do you want to accomplish? Will that bring purpose to your life? Traveling won’t make you happy long term unless there is a reason for your traveling. Finding the ‘why’ behind your dreams is one of the most important questions you can answer and it plays a huge role as to whether you will be successful in following your dreams. Have a good reason and you will make a way!
What's stopping me?
The biggest enemy of your dreams is fear. Failure isn't what kills gifts, fear is. At what point will you be confident enough to take a risk and step into the role you are meant to take? Your role in your family, in life, at your job.. Step into it- even if circumstances aren't exactly what you imagine they should be. I've realised throughout my life that the same fear that will keep you from starting will keep you from finishing. Don’t let fear rule your life and your decisions. Stand up for something. For yourself, for what you believe in, for what you love.
What price am I willing to pay?
Find what it is that you are called to be and take proactive steps to get there. I say proactive steps because being brave doesn’t always mean dropping everything to follow a dream. Sometimes it takes planning- we need to set ourselves up for success, surround ourselves with the right people and have the right support system.
Plan, work hard and don’t be afraid to make some sacrifices while doing so, knowing that if you are living your calling, sacrificing will never hurt you in the long run. Make wise choices when it comes to sacrificing. Don’t sacrifice those things that are most valuable long term. Sacrifice short term pleasures and resist the temptation to take shortcuts. Decide when you are strong who you will be when you feel weak. Make hard decisions that will leave a lasting legacy as you fulfill your dreams and calling.
You have a unique purpose and our world needs you to live it.
Friday, June 20, 2014
:: Biggest problem in communication ::
"The biggest problem in communication is we do not listen to understand...we listen to reply."
Zig Ziglar
"An honest worship album" by Michael Guy Chiselett
All of that to say: I know the importance and influence that our church has had in my life, so to be a part of this year’s annual worship album has been a huge honour!
At the start of this project, there was a lot of talk about our goals going into it - how fresh or how organic we wanted it, how fast or slow the songs should be, etc. but we ended up deciding that most of that wasn't as important as creating honest worship music. So we let the church decide - some songs worked straight away, others didn’t go down so well.
Before recording the songs live in church, we spent a few weeks working on them at 301 Studios, one of my favourite studios in Australia. The guys had a few finished songs that the band hadn’t heard before, so rather than having them listen to a completed demo, we set it up so the band would just play along to the song while they listened. Some amazing stuff came out of that situation...''This I Believe'' and ''Broken Vessels'' are great examples of bringing a beautiful song to a bunch of amazing musicians who worship the Lord in the studio. The piano part that Autumn Hardman played at the start of ''This I Believe” happened so effortlessly, as did the guitar part in the bridge of ''Broken Vessels”, that Dylan Thomas created. There is an amazing chemistry that happens when Nigel Hendroff and Joel Hingston play guitar together. They are both very sensitive to their harmonic surroundings and seem to have a 6th sense of creating space. They also seem to have a way of complimenting the vocal melody with their parts. One of my favourite vocals on the album is Marty Sampson singing “Depths”. I get chills every time I hear it.
The album was mixed by Sam Gibson in the UK - he has done the majority of our church albums since 2006 (United We Stand was his first with us). He's an awesome man of God who says he loves to work with us because he truly believes in the cause. When making albums, he doesn't just put on a mix hat; he actually puts on a worshipper hat and mixes the songs with a huge amount of conviction.
I guess what it all boils down to for me, is what happened at the opening of our Hillsong LA church recently... We played and sang ''This I Believe”, then Pastor Brian got up and said,“In case you want to know what we’re all about and why we do all this, it’s all in that song”. I’ve heard the Apostles' Creed since I was young, but to hear it in this way has made it fresh to me: the words have weight again, almost like my soul has digested those words for the first time again.
I guess that’s the goal with worship music: we are nothing amazing next to God, but if we can be used as a creative vessel for His word to have fresh life in people's souls, then I am always honored to be involved in any way I can.
:: Not all "no's" are final ::
"When God gives you a "no", give Him a "thank you" -- He was protecting you from less than His best."
Spiritual Inspiration
:: Worthship ::
"Worship without sacrifice is just entertainment,
and sacrifice without worship is just idolatry."
Cass Langton
:: "Never give up" by John Bevere ::
"…And not only that, but God himself is right alongside to keep you steady and on track until things are all wrapped up by Jesus. God, who got you started in this spiritual adventure, shares with us the life of his Son and our Master Jesus. He will never give up on you. Never forget that."
(1 Corinthians 1:9 The Message)
Our God is relentless in His faithfulness to us. He will never give up on us. So how could we give up on Him? He is willing to come alongside us and help us to finish strong. So stay with God, take heart, and never quit!
Our God is relentless in His faithfulness to us. He will never give up on us. So how could we give up on Him? He is willing to come alongside us and help us to finish strong. So stay with God, take heart, and never quit!
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
:: Change (Pt. 6) / Let the ruins come to life ::
last weekend was surprisingly spectectular. had quite a number of unexpected yet divine appointments, and guess it spilled forth in this week as well. after the usual "gym" sesh with A, which only involves working out our mouths (oh Lord help us), had realised that our various topics had one thing in common, 'change and acceleration'. likewise for M as well. does not hurt that they also come in forms of options. ahhh, so this is a preview of what being opened looks like after hiding. interesting. here's to rising up from the ashes.
-- "everything will come at once. everything will be made right again. it won't be long now. let the ruins come to life." xxx
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
:: Change (Pt. 5) / Stirred... ::
after a random midweek date out, the topics of life cropped up -- even in a causal like setting where relationships are still on the surface. as i spat out my own views, i went home thinking how would one be judged not completely knowing the heart of it all? five years in asian town and yet i still sometimes feel out of place with standoffish characters, certain lifestyle habits and rules for all kinds of settings. have i lost the war with my laid back spirit against this highly strung and status controlled environment? it does scare me as i begin to wonder my purpose and calling being here... is this really the city i should call home to despite my slight un-attraction? xxx
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Saturday, June 7, 2014
:: Someday... ::
"his hello was the end of her endings
her laugh was their first step down the aisle
his hand would be hers to hold forever
his forever was as simple as her smile
he said she was what was missing
she said instantly she knew
she was a question to be answered
and his answer was i do."
her laugh was their first step down the aisle
his hand would be hers to hold forever
his forever was as simple as her smile
he said she was what was missing
she said instantly she knew
she was a question to be answered
and his answer was i do."
- carrie
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
:: Change (Pt. 4) // Shifting... ::
today was rather bittersweet. guess it cause of a stinging feeling that my current season of where i have been placed at is ending. saying goodbyes are never easy, especially to those whom i have developed a lasting relationship for quite awhile now despite being separated by oceans. to the blokes who have made this journey fun, it definitely have been some good times. strange how the year has come and gone so very, very quickly. i sense a shift is taking place. where to, i am so lost. but, will just have to wait to be found again. xxx
Monday, June 2, 2014
:: Anchor ::
"Worship is no longer worship when it reflects the culture around us more than the Christ within us. —A.W. Tozer // Our hope isn't in the songs, the quality of the music or in the experience. It's only in Jesus."
Christ Tomlin
:: "The guide to strong boundaries" by Mark Manson ::
This post is long overdue. Since I wrote Models: Attract Women Through Honesty and mentioned the importance of maintaining strong personal boundaries, people have been asking me what boundaries actually are, what they look like, how to build them and maintain them, do they help that much, are they that important, do they stop your girlfriend from farting too much in her sleep, where are my keys, have you seen my keys, where are my damn keys?
PSA: Setting strong personal boundaries are not a cure-all technique for your relationship woes (or your lost keys). In fact, they’re more of side effect of having a healthy self-esteem and a general low level of neediness with people around you.
Boundaries work both ways: they create emotional health and are created by people with emotional health. They are something you can start working on today with the people close to you and begin to notice a difference in your self-esteem, confidence, lack of neediness, blah, blah, blah.
And yes, believe it or not, boundaries are also hot.
But first, let’s do the obligatory bullet point list every blog must do for these types of posts. Let’s do the “You Might Have A Boundary Issue If…” list so you know where you stand:
Do you ever feel like people take advantage of you or use your emotions for their own gain?
Do you ever feel like you’re constantly having to “save” people close to you and fix their problems all the time?
Do you find yourself sucked into pointless fighting or debating regularly?
Do you find yourself faaaaar more invested or attracted to a person than you should be for how long you’ve known them?
In your relationships, does it feel like things are always either amazing or horrible with no in-between? Or perhaps you even go through the break-up/reunion pattern every few months?
Do you tell people how much you hate drama but seem to always be stuck in the middle of it?
Do you spend a lot of time defending yourself for things you believe aren’t your fault?
When you lose your keys, is it someone else’s fault? (WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY KEYS!?!?)
If you answered, “yes” to even a few of the above, then you probably set and maintain poor boundaries in your relationships. If you answered a resounding “yes” to most or all of the items above, you not only have really shitty boundaries, but you are probably extremely needy and/or an emotional vampire (it’s OK, we still love you).
What are Personal Boundaries?
I’ll start with the practical and work my way to the theoretical. Instead of defining what boundaries actually are (just because I don’t want you to fall asleep on me just yet), let’s talk about what they look like first.
Healthy Personal Boundaries = Taking responsibility for your own actions and emotions, while NOT taking responsibility for the actions or emotions of others
People with poor boundaries typically come in two flavors: those who take too much responsibility for the emotions/actions of others, and those who expect others to take too much responsibility for their own emotions/actions.
Interestingly, these two types of people often end up in relationships together.
Some examples of poor boundaries:
“You can’t go out with your friends without me. You know how jealous I get. You have to stay home with me.”
or:
“Sorry guys, I can’t go out with you tonight, my girlfriend gets really angry when I go out without her.”
or:
“My co-workers are idiots and I’m always late to meetings because I have to tell them how to do their jobs.”
or:
“I’d love to take that job in Milwaukee, but my mother would never forgive me for moving so far away.”
or:
“I can date you, but can you not tell my friend Cindy? She gets really jealous when I have a boyfriend and she doesn’t.”
In each scenario, the person is either taking responsibility for actions/emotions that are not theirs or they are demanding that someone else take responsibility for their actions/emotions.
For those of you who have read it, you’ll notice that taking responsibility for your own actions and not blaming others are two of the pillars in Nathaniel Branden’s Six Pillars of Self Esteem. People with high self-esteem have strong personal boundaries. And practicing strong personal boundaries is one way to build self-esteem.
Another way to think about it is when you have these murky areas of responsibility for your emotions and actions, areas where it’s unclear who is responsible for what, whose fault is what, why you’re doing what you’re doing, you never develop a solid identity for yourself.
For instance, if you’re really into Judo, but you’re always blaming your teacher for your lack of progress and feel guilty about going to classes because your wife gets lonely when you’re not around, then you’re not owning that aspect of your identity. Judo is now something you do and not something you are. It becomes inauthentic, another tool in the game of getting social approval, rather than to satisfy your own desire to express yourself. This is neediness. And the dependence on external approval will drive your self-esteem lower and make your behavior less attractive.
Poor Boundaries And Intimate Relationships
I actually believe boundary issues are the most difficult to deal with at the family level. You can always dump that asshole boyfriend/girlfriend, but you can’t dump your parents.
But if you do have boundary issues in your family, then it’s very likely you have them in your romantic relationships as well. And your relationships are the best place to begin fixing them.
Chances are at some point you’ve been in a relationship that felt like a roller coaster: when things were good, they were GREAT; when things were bad, they were a disaster; and there was an almost-predictable oscillation between the two — two weeks of bliss, followed by one week of hell, followed by a month of bliss, followed by a horrible break up and then a dramatic reunion. It’s a hallmark of a codependent relationship and usually represents two people incapable of strong personal boundaries.
My first serious relationship was like this. At the time, it felt very passionate and like it was us against the world. In hindsight, it was incredibly unhealthy and I’m much happier not being in it.
People lack boundaries because they have a high level of neediness (or in psych terms, codependence). People who are needy or codependent, have a desperate need for love and affection from others. To receive this love and affection, they sacrifice their identity and remove their boundaries.
(Ironically, it’s the lack of identity and boundaries that makes them unattractive to most people.)
People who blame others for their own emotions and actions do so because they believe that if they put the responsibility on those around them, they’ll receive the love they’ve always wanted and needed. If they constantly paint themselves as a victim, eventually someone will come save them.
People who take the blame for other people’s emotions and actions are always looking to save someone. They believe that if they can “fix” their partner, then they will receive the love and appreciation they’ve always wanted.
Predictably, these two types of people are drawn strongly to one another. Their pathologies match one-another perfectly. And often, they’ve grown up with parents who each exhibit one of these traits. So their model for a “happy” relationship is one based on neediness and poor boundaries.
Ironically, they both fail completely in meeting the other’s needs. In fact, they both only serve to perpetuate the neediness and low self esteem that is keeping them from getting their emotional needs. The victim creates more and more problems to solve and the saver solves and solves, but the love and appreciation they’ve always needed is never actually transmitted to one another.
In Models, when I talk about authenticity, I explain how in relationships, whenever something is given with an ulterior motive, with the expectation of something in return, when something is not given as a “gift”, then it loses its value. If it’s self-serving then it’s empty and worthless.
This is what happens in these codependent relationships. The victim creates problems not because there are real problems, but because they believe it will cause them to feel loved. The saver doesn’t save the victim because they actually care about the problem, but because they believe if they fix the problem they will feel loved. In both cases, the intentions are needy and therefore unattractive and self-sabotaging.
If the saver really wanted to save the victim, the saver would say, “Look, you’re blaming others for your own problems, deal with it yourself.” That would be ACTUALLY loving the victim.
The victim, if they really loved the saver, would say, “Look, this is my problem, you don’t have to fix it for me.” That would be ACTUALLY loving the saver.
But that’s not exactly what usually happens…
Victims and savers both get kind of an emotional high off one another. It’s like an addiction they fulfill in one another, and when presented with emotionally healthy people to date, they usually feel bored or a lack of “chemistry”. They’ll pass on healthy, secure individuals because the secure partner’s solid boundaries will not excite the loose emotional boundaries of the needy person.
From an Attachment Theory perspective, victims tend to be anxious-attachment types, and savers tend to be avoidant-attachment types. Or as I like to call them: crazy people and assholes. Both often push away secure-attachment types.
For the victim, the hardest thing to do in the world is to hold themselves accountable for their feelings and their life rather than others. They’ve spent their whole existence believing they MUST blame others in order to feel any intimacy or love, so letting that go is terrifying.
For the saver, the hardest thing to do in the world is to stop fixing other people’s problems and trying to force them to be happy and satisfied. For them, they’ve spent their whole lives only feeling valued and loved when they were fixing a problem or providing a use to someone, so letting go of this need is terrifying to them as well.
Both start the process of building self-esteem. Both begin to eliminate needy behavior and make one more attractive.
(I should also note, in my book, I state that needy behavior makes you unattractive to most people by limiting you to people of a similar level of neediness; i.e., the adage that you are everyone you end up dating. If you end up only attracting low self esteem slobs, then you are likely a low self-esteem slob yourself. If you only attract high maintenance drama queens, then you are likely a high maintenance drama queen yourself. Oh, you queen, you.)
A Few More Examples
Since this is a topic that many, many people are always asking, “Yeah, that’s nice, but what does it look like?” I’ll ride this out with a few examples. Personal boundaries, while particularly crucial in intimate relationships, also highly influence our friendships, family relationships and even professional relationships. So I’ll include a variety of examples below.
“Jon, we’ve been working together for five years. I can’t believe you’d fuck me over like that in front of our boss.”
“But you got the data sheet incorrect. It was important that the correct numbers were submitted.”
“Yeah, but you’re supposed to back me up. You made me look like an asshole. You don’t have to disagree with me in front of everybody like that.”
“Look, I like you. You’re my friend. But I’m not going to do your job for you. And that’s that. End of discussion.”
“I am doing my job!”
“Good, then it shouldn’t matter what I say then.”
Some friends are maybe a little bit too close. This situation comes up in various forms in everybody’s life: long-time friend screws up, but instead of taking personal responsibility, expects you to shoulder some of the responsibility with them because “that’s what friends do.”
Accepting this leads to codependent and unhealthy friendships. Yes, even friendships can be needy and unattractive. Ever meet two friends who are constantly complaining about one another or saying things behind each other’s backs, but when they’re together everything seems great? Chances are they have some serious boundary issues like the one above. Friendships like this are never-ending drama factories. Steer clear.
“I get so sad when you and your sister don’t come see me. I get very lonely, you know.”
“Why don’t you go out more mom? Make some friends.”
“Oh, I’ve tried. Nobody likes an old lady like me. You two are my children. You’re supposed to take care of me.”
“We do.”
“No, you don’t. I spend so much time alone. You have no idea how hard it can be sometimes.”
“Mom, I love you and will always be here when you need me. But you are still responsible for your own loneliness. Jennifer and I are not the only solution to all of your problems.”
The old family guilt situation. I used to be fond of saying “Guilt is a useless emotion.” I actually don’t believe that anymore. Guilt is important when it’s legitimate and self-imposed.
Where guilt is useless and harmful is when it is used as a tool to manipulate those close to you. Guilt can be incredibly painful when used this way, not only because it demands responsibility from you for emotions which are not yours, but it also implies that you’re faulty or a bad person in some way for not doing it.
(All of my Jewish readers are nodding their heads right now.)
Nothing sets me off these days like a person trying to guilt trip me. I immediately call them out on it and if I don’t know them well, will sometimes end the relationship right then and there.
Last example. This one is a couple in a relationship:
“Hey, I was thinking about that new job you’re looking for. I redid your resume and I’ve started sending it out to some people in my HR department.”
“Um, thanks, but you didn’t have to do that.”
“I wanted to do it. I want you to be successful. I was also thinking again about us moving in together, I went and looked at apartments today–”
“I told you, I’m not ready for that yet.”
“I know! But it only makes sense. And we’re not getting younger. I think we should just try it.”
“Last month you replaced half my wardrobe with clothes you want me to wear. Then you wanted me to live with you. Now you want me to work with you too?”
“But I love you, I want to take care of you.”
“I love you too, but you have to let me do things my own way. This is not healthy. You take control of my life decisions without consulting me first.”
“I can’t believe how selfish you are! I do EVERYTHING for you and now you’re blaming me for it!”
“I’m not judging you. I’m simply asking you to stop and to respect my wishes.”
This is an example of a codependent relationship from the other side — the side of a partner who gets smothered and pampered too much. It may seem really nice on the surface. You may even think, “Damn, I wish my boyfriend/girlfriend did that for me.” But the truth is that it’s just as unhealthy and it will eventually lead to just as many problems.
Final Note on Sacrifice
Before we go (I realize this is getting long, and I still haven’t found my keys), I want to make a final note about relationships and sacrifice.
The biggest counter-argument — or rationalization, depending on your perspective — is that sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the people you love.
This is true. If your girlfriend/boyfriend has an unreasonable need for you to call them every day, even if it’s just to talk for three minutes, then it may be reasonable to make a small sacrifice to make them happy.
The catch is that if you make a sacrifice for someone you care about, it needs to be because you want to, not because you feel obligated or because you fear the consequences of not doing it. It comes back to the point that acts of affection and interest are only valid if they’re performed without expectations. So if you call your girlfriend/boyfriend every day but hate it and feel like she’s impeding on your independence and you resent her and you’re terrified of how angry she’ll be if you don’t, then you have a boundary problem. If you do it because you love her and don’t mind, then do it.
It can be difficult for people to recognize whether they’re doing something out of perceived obligation or out of voluntary sacrifice. Here’s the litmus test: ask yourself, “If I stopped doing this, how would the relationship change?” If you’re really afraid of the changes, that’s a bad sign. If the consequences are unpleasant but you feel like you could stop performing the action without feeling much different yourself, then that’s a good sign.
The reason is that if there’s a boundary issue then you will fear the loss of that cross-responsibility for one another. If there’s not a boundary issue, i.e., you’re doing it as a gift without expectations, then you’re OK with the repercussions of not doing it. A person with strong boundaries is not afraid of a temper tantrum, an argument or getting hurt. A person with weak boundaries is terrified of it.
A person with strong boundaries understands that it’s unreasonable to expect two people to accommodate each other 100% and fulfill every need the other has. A person with strong boundaries understands that they may hurt someone’s feelings some times, but ultimately they can’t determine how other people feel. A person with strong boundaries understands that a healthy relationship is not controlling one another’s emotions, but rather each partner supporting each other in their growth and path to self-actualization.
Update (Dec 2013): I found my keys.
PSA: Setting strong personal boundaries are not a cure-all technique for your relationship woes (or your lost keys). In fact, they’re more of side effect of having a healthy self-esteem and a general low level of neediness with people around you.
Boundaries work both ways: they create emotional health and are created by people with emotional health. They are something you can start working on today with the people close to you and begin to notice a difference in your self-esteem, confidence, lack of neediness, blah, blah, blah.
And yes, believe it or not, boundaries are also hot.
But first, let’s do the obligatory bullet point list every blog must do for these types of posts. Let’s do the “You Might Have A Boundary Issue If…” list so you know where you stand:
Do you ever feel like people take advantage of you or use your emotions for their own gain?
Do you ever feel like you’re constantly having to “save” people close to you and fix their problems all the time?
Do you find yourself sucked into pointless fighting or debating regularly?
Do you find yourself faaaaar more invested or attracted to a person than you should be for how long you’ve known them?
In your relationships, does it feel like things are always either amazing or horrible with no in-between? Or perhaps you even go through the break-up/reunion pattern every few months?
Do you tell people how much you hate drama but seem to always be stuck in the middle of it?
Do you spend a lot of time defending yourself for things you believe aren’t your fault?
When you lose your keys, is it someone else’s fault? (WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY KEYS!?!?)
If you answered, “yes” to even a few of the above, then you probably set and maintain poor boundaries in your relationships. If you answered a resounding “yes” to most or all of the items above, you not only have really shitty boundaries, but you are probably extremely needy and/or an emotional vampire (it’s OK, we still love you).
What are Personal Boundaries?
I’ll start with the practical and work my way to the theoretical. Instead of defining what boundaries actually are (just because I don’t want you to fall asleep on me just yet), let’s talk about what they look like first.
Healthy Personal Boundaries = Taking responsibility for your own actions and emotions, while NOT taking responsibility for the actions or emotions of others
People with poor boundaries typically come in two flavors: those who take too much responsibility for the emotions/actions of others, and those who expect others to take too much responsibility for their own emotions/actions.
Interestingly, these two types of people often end up in relationships together.
Some examples of poor boundaries:
“You can’t go out with your friends without me. You know how jealous I get. You have to stay home with me.”
or:
“Sorry guys, I can’t go out with you tonight, my girlfriend gets really angry when I go out without her.”
or:
“My co-workers are idiots and I’m always late to meetings because I have to tell them how to do their jobs.”
or:
“I’d love to take that job in Milwaukee, but my mother would never forgive me for moving so far away.”
or:
“I can date you, but can you not tell my friend Cindy? She gets really jealous when I have a boyfriend and she doesn’t.”
In each scenario, the person is either taking responsibility for actions/emotions that are not theirs or they are demanding that someone else take responsibility for their actions/emotions.
For those of you who have read it, you’ll notice that taking responsibility for your own actions and not blaming others are two of the pillars in Nathaniel Branden’s Six Pillars of Self Esteem. People with high self-esteem have strong personal boundaries. And practicing strong personal boundaries is one way to build self-esteem.
Another way to think about it is when you have these murky areas of responsibility for your emotions and actions, areas where it’s unclear who is responsible for what, whose fault is what, why you’re doing what you’re doing, you never develop a solid identity for yourself.
For instance, if you’re really into Judo, but you’re always blaming your teacher for your lack of progress and feel guilty about going to classes because your wife gets lonely when you’re not around, then you’re not owning that aspect of your identity. Judo is now something you do and not something you are. It becomes inauthentic, another tool in the game of getting social approval, rather than to satisfy your own desire to express yourself. This is neediness. And the dependence on external approval will drive your self-esteem lower and make your behavior less attractive.
Poor Boundaries And Intimate Relationships
I actually believe boundary issues are the most difficult to deal with at the family level. You can always dump that asshole boyfriend/girlfriend, but you can’t dump your parents.
But if you do have boundary issues in your family, then it’s very likely you have them in your romantic relationships as well. And your relationships are the best place to begin fixing them.
Chances are at some point you’ve been in a relationship that felt like a roller coaster: when things were good, they were GREAT; when things were bad, they were a disaster; and there was an almost-predictable oscillation between the two — two weeks of bliss, followed by one week of hell, followed by a month of bliss, followed by a horrible break up and then a dramatic reunion. It’s a hallmark of a codependent relationship and usually represents two people incapable of strong personal boundaries.
My first serious relationship was like this. At the time, it felt very passionate and like it was us against the world. In hindsight, it was incredibly unhealthy and I’m much happier not being in it.
People lack boundaries because they have a high level of neediness (or in psych terms, codependence). People who are needy or codependent, have a desperate need for love and affection from others. To receive this love and affection, they sacrifice their identity and remove their boundaries.
(Ironically, it’s the lack of identity and boundaries that makes them unattractive to most people.)
People who blame others for their own emotions and actions do so because they believe that if they put the responsibility on those around them, they’ll receive the love they’ve always wanted and needed. If they constantly paint themselves as a victim, eventually someone will come save them.
People who take the blame for other people’s emotions and actions are always looking to save someone. They believe that if they can “fix” their partner, then they will receive the love and appreciation they’ve always wanted.
Predictably, these two types of people are drawn strongly to one another. Their pathologies match one-another perfectly. And often, they’ve grown up with parents who each exhibit one of these traits. So their model for a “happy” relationship is one based on neediness and poor boundaries.
Ironically, they both fail completely in meeting the other’s needs. In fact, they both only serve to perpetuate the neediness and low self esteem that is keeping them from getting their emotional needs. The victim creates more and more problems to solve and the saver solves and solves, but the love and appreciation they’ve always needed is never actually transmitted to one another.
In Models, when I talk about authenticity, I explain how in relationships, whenever something is given with an ulterior motive, with the expectation of something in return, when something is not given as a “gift”, then it loses its value. If it’s self-serving then it’s empty and worthless.
This is what happens in these codependent relationships. The victim creates problems not because there are real problems, but because they believe it will cause them to feel loved. The saver doesn’t save the victim because they actually care about the problem, but because they believe if they fix the problem they will feel loved. In both cases, the intentions are needy and therefore unattractive and self-sabotaging.
If the saver really wanted to save the victim, the saver would say, “Look, you’re blaming others for your own problems, deal with it yourself.” That would be ACTUALLY loving the victim.
The victim, if they really loved the saver, would say, “Look, this is my problem, you don’t have to fix it for me.” That would be ACTUALLY loving the saver.
But that’s not exactly what usually happens…
Victims and savers both get kind of an emotional high off one another. It’s like an addiction they fulfill in one another, and when presented with emotionally healthy people to date, they usually feel bored or a lack of “chemistry”. They’ll pass on healthy, secure individuals because the secure partner’s solid boundaries will not excite the loose emotional boundaries of the needy person.
From an Attachment Theory perspective, victims tend to be anxious-attachment types, and savers tend to be avoidant-attachment types. Or as I like to call them: crazy people and assholes. Both often push away secure-attachment types.
For the victim, the hardest thing to do in the world is to hold themselves accountable for their feelings and their life rather than others. They’ve spent their whole existence believing they MUST blame others in order to feel any intimacy or love, so letting that go is terrifying.
For the saver, the hardest thing to do in the world is to stop fixing other people’s problems and trying to force them to be happy and satisfied. For them, they’ve spent their whole lives only feeling valued and loved when they were fixing a problem or providing a use to someone, so letting go of this need is terrifying to them as well.
Both start the process of building self-esteem. Both begin to eliminate needy behavior and make one more attractive.
(I should also note, in my book, I state that needy behavior makes you unattractive to most people by limiting you to people of a similar level of neediness; i.e., the adage that you are everyone you end up dating. If you end up only attracting low self esteem slobs, then you are likely a low self-esteem slob yourself. If you only attract high maintenance drama queens, then you are likely a high maintenance drama queen yourself. Oh, you queen, you.)
A Few More Examples
Since this is a topic that many, many people are always asking, “Yeah, that’s nice, but what does it look like?” I’ll ride this out with a few examples. Personal boundaries, while particularly crucial in intimate relationships, also highly influence our friendships, family relationships and even professional relationships. So I’ll include a variety of examples below.
“Jon, we’ve been working together for five years. I can’t believe you’d fuck me over like that in front of our boss.”
“But you got the data sheet incorrect. It was important that the correct numbers were submitted.”
“Yeah, but you’re supposed to back me up. You made me look like an asshole. You don’t have to disagree with me in front of everybody like that.”
“Look, I like you. You’re my friend. But I’m not going to do your job for you. And that’s that. End of discussion.”
“I am doing my job!”
“Good, then it shouldn’t matter what I say then.”
Some friends are maybe a little bit too close. This situation comes up in various forms in everybody’s life: long-time friend screws up, but instead of taking personal responsibility, expects you to shoulder some of the responsibility with them because “that’s what friends do.”
Accepting this leads to codependent and unhealthy friendships. Yes, even friendships can be needy and unattractive. Ever meet two friends who are constantly complaining about one another or saying things behind each other’s backs, but when they’re together everything seems great? Chances are they have some serious boundary issues like the one above. Friendships like this are never-ending drama factories. Steer clear.
“I get so sad when you and your sister don’t come see me. I get very lonely, you know.”
“Why don’t you go out more mom? Make some friends.”
“Oh, I’ve tried. Nobody likes an old lady like me. You two are my children. You’re supposed to take care of me.”
“We do.”
“No, you don’t. I spend so much time alone. You have no idea how hard it can be sometimes.”
“Mom, I love you and will always be here when you need me. But you are still responsible for your own loneliness. Jennifer and I are not the only solution to all of your problems.”
The old family guilt situation. I used to be fond of saying “Guilt is a useless emotion.” I actually don’t believe that anymore. Guilt is important when it’s legitimate and self-imposed.
Where guilt is useless and harmful is when it is used as a tool to manipulate those close to you. Guilt can be incredibly painful when used this way, not only because it demands responsibility from you for emotions which are not yours, but it also implies that you’re faulty or a bad person in some way for not doing it.
(All of my Jewish readers are nodding their heads right now.)
Nothing sets me off these days like a person trying to guilt trip me. I immediately call them out on it and if I don’t know them well, will sometimes end the relationship right then and there.
Last example. This one is a couple in a relationship:
“Hey, I was thinking about that new job you’re looking for. I redid your resume and I’ve started sending it out to some people in my HR department.”
“Um, thanks, but you didn’t have to do that.”
“I wanted to do it. I want you to be successful. I was also thinking again about us moving in together, I went and looked at apartments today–”
“I told you, I’m not ready for that yet.”
“I know! But it only makes sense. And we’re not getting younger. I think we should just try it.”
“Last month you replaced half my wardrobe with clothes you want me to wear. Then you wanted me to live with you. Now you want me to work with you too?”
“But I love you, I want to take care of you.”
“I love you too, but you have to let me do things my own way. This is not healthy. You take control of my life decisions without consulting me first.”
“I can’t believe how selfish you are! I do EVERYTHING for you and now you’re blaming me for it!”
“I’m not judging you. I’m simply asking you to stop and to respect my wishes.”
This is an example of a codependent relationship from the other side — the side of a partner who gets smothered and pampered too much. It may seem really nice on the surface. You may even think, “Damn, I wish my boyfriend/girlfriend did that for me.” But the truth is that it’s just as unhealthy and it will eventually lead to just as many problems.
Final Note on Sacrifice
Before we go (I realize this is getting long, and I still haven’t found my keys), I want to make a final note about relationships and sacrifice.
The biggest counter-argument — or rationalization, depending on your perspective — is that sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the people you love.
This is true. If your girlfriend/boyfriend has an unreasonable need for you to call them every day, even if it’s just to talk for three minutes, then it may be reasonable to make a small sacrifice to make them happy.
The catch is that if you make a sacrifice for someone you care about, it needs to be because you want to, not because you feel obligated or because you fear the consequences of not doing it. It comes back to the point that acts of affection and interest are only valid if they’re performed without expectations. So if you call your girlfriend/boyfriend every day but hate it and feel like she’s impeding on your independence and you resent her and you’re terrified of how angry she’ll be if you don’t, then you have a boundary problem. If you do it because you love her and don’t mind, then do it.
It can be difficult for people to recognize whether they’re doing something out of perceived obligation or out of voluntary sacrifice. Here’s the litmus test: ask yourself, “If I stopped doing this, how would the relationship change?” If you’re really afraid of the changes, that’s a bad sign. If the consequences are unpleasant but you feel like you could stop performing the action without feeling much different yourself, then that’s a good sign.
The reason is that if there’s a boundary issue then you will fear the loss of that cross-responsibility for one another. If there’s not a boundary issue, i.e., you’re doing it as a gift without expectations, then you’re OK with the repercussions of not doing it. A person with strong boundaries is not afraid of a temper tantrum, an argument or getting hurt. A person with weak boundaries is terrified of it.
A person with strong boundaries understands that it’s unreasonable to expect two people to accommodate each other 100% and fulfill every need the other has. A person with strong boundaries understands that they may hurt someone’s feelings some times, but ultimately they can’t determine how other people feel. A person with strong boundaries understands that a healthy relationship is not controlling one another’s emotions, but rather each partner supporting each other in their growth and path to self-actualization.
Update (Dec 2013): I found my keys.
:: "6 Healthy Relationship Habits Most People Think Are Toxic" by Mark Manson
About six months ago, I wrote a post titled 6 Toxic Habits that Most People Think Are Normal. It became very successful. A lot of people commented and a lot of people shared and big grown up websites who get paid to post smart grown up things asked me if they could copy/paste it, ostensibly to make a bunch of advertising money off people acting like assholes in their comment sections. I said, sure, why not?
(I know, sell out.)
But the post also helped a lot of people. Since writing it, it’s generated a staggering amount of thank you emails, and no less than 20 people notified me that it inspired them to end their relationships (or even in a few cases, their marriages). It was the wake up call these people needed to finally let go and accept that their relationship was gagging them with a shit-spoon every day. And they deserved better.
(So I guess I’m a home-wrecker and a sell out. Sweet.)
But the article also elicited a lot of questions like, “So if these habits ruin a relationship, what habits create a happy and healthy relationship?” and “Where’s an article on what makes a relationship great?” and “Mark, how did you get so handsome?”
These are important questions. And they deserve answers.
Granted, I have far more experience screwing up relationships than making them work well, but I still wanted to take a stab at a “healthy relationship” post. I didn’t want to just make it a (yet another) “learn to communicate and cuddle and watch sunsets and play with puppies together” type post. You can find those posts just about everywhere. And honestly, those posts suck. If you love your partner, you shouldn’t have to be told to hold hands and watch sunsets together. This stuff should be automatic.
I wanted to write something different. I wanted to write about issues that are important in relationships but don’t receive enough airtime. Things like the role of fighting, hurting each other’s feelings, dealing with dissatisfaction or feeling the occasional attraction for other people. These are normal, everyday relationship issues that don’t get talked about because it’s far easier to talk about puppies and sunsets instead.
Puppies: The ultimate solution to all of your relationship problems.
And so I wrote this article. This is the first article’s bizarro twin brother. That article explained that many of our culture’s tacitly accepted relationship habits secretly erode intimacy, trust and happiness. This article explains how traits that don’t fit our traditional narrative for what love is and what love should be, are actually necessary ingredients for lasting relationship success.
Enjoy.
1. Letting Some Conflicts Go Unresolved
There’s this guy. His name is John Gottman. And he is like the Michael Jordan of relationship research. Not only has he been studying intimate relationships for more than 40 years, but he practically invented the field.
Gottman devised the process of “thin-slicing” relationships, a technique where he hooks couples up to all sorts of biometric devices and then records them having short conversations about their problems. Gottman then goes back and analyzes the conversation frame by frame looking at biometric data, body language, tonality and specific words chosen. He then combines all of this data together to predict whether your marriage sucks or not.
His “thin-slicing” process boasts a staggering 91% success rate in predicting whether newly-wed couples will divorce within 10 years — a staggeringly high result for any psychological research. His method went on to be featured in Malcolm Gladwell’s bestselling book Blink. Gottman’s seminars also report a 50% higher success rate of saving troubled marriages than traditional marriage counseling. His research papers have won enough academic awards to fill the state of Delaware. And he’s written nine books on the subjects of intimate relationships, marital therapy and the science of trust.
The point is, when it comes to understanding what makes long-term relationships succeed, John Gottman will slam-dunk in your face and then sneer at you afterwards.
And the first thing Gottman says in almost all of his books is this: The idea that couples must communicate and resolve all of their problems is a myth.
In his research of thousands of happily married couples, some of whom who have been married for 40+ years, he found time and again that most successful couples have persistent unresolved issues, unresolved issues that they’ve sometimes been fighting about for decades. Meanwhile many of the unsuccessful couples insisted on resolving fucking everything because they believed that there should be a void of disagreement between them. Pretty soon there was a void of a relationship too.
People like to fantasize about “true love.” But if there is such a thing, it requires us to sometimes accept things we don’t like.
Successful couples accept and understand that some conflict is inevitable, that there will always be certain things they don’t like about their partners or things they don’t agree with, and that this is fine. You shouldn’t need to feel the need to change somebody in order to love them. And you shouldn’t let some disagreements get in the way of what is otherwise a happy and healthy relationship.
The truth is, trying to resolve a conflict can sometimes create more problems than it fixes. Some battles are simply not worth fighting. And sometimes the most optimal relationship strategy is one of “live and let live.”
2. Being Willing to Hurt Each Other’s Feelings
My girlfriend is one of those women who spends a lot of time in front of the mirror. She loves to look amazing and I love for her to look amazing too (obviously).
Nights before we go out, she always comes out of the bathroom after an hour-long make-up/hair/clothes/whatever-women-do-in-there session and asks me how she looks. She’s usually gorgeous. But every once in a while, she looks bad. She tried to do something new with her hair or decided to wear a pair of boots that some flamboyant fashion designer from Milan thought were avant-garde. And it just doesn’t work.
When I tell her this, she usually gets pissed off. And as she marches back into the closet to redo everything and make us 30 minutes late, she spouts a bunch of four-letter words and sometimes even slings a few of them at me.
Men stereotypically lie in this situation to make their girlfriends/wives happy. But I don’t. Why? Because honesty in my relationship is more important to me than feeling good all of the time. The last person I should ever have to censor myself with is the woman I love.
Fortunately, I date a woman who agrees. She calls me out on my bullshit sometimes, and it’s honestly one of the most important traits she offers me as a partner. Sure, my ego gets bruised and I bitch and complain and try to argue, but a few hours later I come sulking back and admit that she was right and holy crap she makes me a better person even though I hated hearing it at the time.
When our highest priority is to always make ourselves feel good, or to always make our partner feel good, then nobody ends up feeling good. And our relationships fall apart without us even knowing it.
It’s important to make something more important in your relationship than merely making each other feel good all of the time. The feel good stuff happens when you get the other stuff right. The sunsets and puppies, they happen when you get the more important stuff right: values, needs and trust.
If I feel smothered and need more time alone, I need to be capable of saying that without blaming her and she needs to be capable of hearing it without blaming me, despite the unpleasant feelings it may cause. If she feels that I’m cold and unresponsive to her, she needs to be capable of saying it without blaming me and I need to be capable of hearing it without blaming her, despite the unpleasant feelings it may generate.
These conversations are paramount to maintaining a healthy relationship that meets both people’s needs. With out them, we get lost and lose track of one another.
3. Being Willing to End It
Romantic sacrifice is idealized in our culture. Show me almost any romantic movie and I’ll show you a desperate and needy character who treats themselves like dog shit for the sake of being in love with someone.
The truth is our standards for what a “successful relationship” should be are pretty screwed up. If a relationship ends and someone’s not dead, then we view it as a failure, regardless of the emotional or practical circumstances present in the person’s lives. And that’s kind of insane.
Shut up and jump already. Romeo and Juliet was originally written as satire to represent everything that’s wrong with young love and how irrational romantic beliefs can make you do stupid shit like drink poison because your parents don’t like some girl’s parents. But somehow we look at this story as romantic. It’s this kind of irrational idealization that leads people to stay with partners who are abusive or negligent, to give up on their own needs and identities, to make themselves into imaginary martyrs who are perpetually miserable, to suppress their own pain and suffering in the name of maintaining a relationship “until death do us part.”
Sometimes the only thing that can make a relationship successful is ending it at the appropriate time, before it becomes too damaging. And the willingness to do that allows us to establish the necessary boundaries to help ourselves and our partner grow together.
“Shoot myself to love you; if I loved myself I’d be shooting you.”
- Marilyn Manson
“Until death do us part” is romantic and everything, but when we worship our relationship as something more important than ourselves, our values, our needs and everything else in our lives, we create a sick dynamic where there’s no accountability. We have no reason to work on ourselves and grow because our partner has to be there no matter what. And our partner has no reason to work on themselves and grow because we’re going to be there no matter what. It invites stagnation and stagnation equals misery.
4. Feeling Attraction for People Outside the Relationship
Our cultural scripts for romance includes this sort of mental tyranny, where any mildly emotional or sexual thought not involving your partner amounts to high treason. Being in love is like a cult where you’re supposed to prefer drinking Kool Aid laced with cyanide to letting your thoughts wander to whether other religions may be true too.
As much as we’d like to believe that we only have eyes for our partner, biology says otherwise. Once we get past the honeymoon phase of starry eyes and oxytocin, the novelty of our partner wears off a bit. And unfortunately, human sexuality is partially wired around novelty. I get emails all the time from people in happy marriages/relationships who get blindsided by finding someone else attractive and they feel like horrible, horrible people because of it. Not only are we capable of finding multiple people attractive and interesting at the same time, but it’s a biological inevitability.
What isn’t an inevitability are our choices to act on it or not. Most of us, most of the time, choose to not act on those thoughts. And like waves, they pass through us and leave us with our partner very much the same way how they found us.
This triggers a lot of guilt in some people and a lot of irrational jealousy in others. Our cultural scripts tell us that once we’re in love, that’s supposed to be it, end of story. And if someone flirts with us and we enjoy it, or if we catch ourselves having an occasional errant sexy-time fantasy, there must be something wrong with us or our relationship.
But that’s simply not the case. In fact, it’s healthier to allow oneself to experience these feelings and then let them go.
When you suppress these feelings, you give them power over you, you let them dictate your behavior for you (suppression) rather than dictating your behavior for yourself (feeling them and yet choosing not to do anything).
People who suppress these urges are the ones who are likely to eventually succumb to them and give in and suddenly find themselves screwing the secretary in the broom closet and having no idea how they got there and come to deeply regret it about twenty-two seconds afterward. People who suppress these urges are the ones who are likely to project them onto their partner and becoming blindingly jealous, attempting to control their partner’s every thought and whim, corralling all of their partner’s attention and affection onto themselves. People who suppress these urges are the ones who are likely to wake up one day disgruntled and frustrated with no conscious understanding of why, wondering where all of the days went and remember how in love we used to be?
Looking at attractive people is enjoyable. Speaking to attractive people is enjoyable. Thinking about attractive people is enjoyable. That’s not going to change because of our Facebook relationship status. And when you dampen these impulses towards other people, you dampen them towards your partner as well. You’re killing a part of yourself and it ultimately only comes back to harm your relationship.
When I meet a beautiful woman now, I enjoy it, as any man would. But it also reminds me why out of all of the beautiful women I’ve ever met and dated, I chose to be with my girlfriend. I see in the attractive women everything my girlfriend has and most women lack. And while I appreciate the attention or even flirtation, the experience only strengthens my commitment. Attractiveness is common. But real intimacy is not.
When we commit to a person, we are not committing our thoughts, feelings or perceptions. We can’t control our own thoughts, feelings and perceptions the majority of the time, so how could we ever make that commitment?
What we control are our actions. And what we commit to that special person are our actions. Let everything else come and go, as it inevitably will.
5. Spending Time Apart
You see it all the time: the man who meets his girlfriend and stops playing basketball and hanging out with his friends, or the woman who suddenly decides she loves every comic book and video game her boyfriend likes even though she doesn’t know how to hold the XBox controller properly. We all have that friend who mysteriously ceased to exist as soon as they got into their relationship. And it’s troubling, not just for us but for them.
When we fall in love we develop irrational beliefs and desires. One of these desires is to allow our lives to be consumed by the person we’re infatuated with. This feels great. It’s intoxicating in much of the same way cocaine is intoxicating (no, really). The problem only arises when this actually happens.
The problem with allowing your identity to be consumed by a romantic relationship is that as you change to be closer to the person you love, you cease to be the person they fell in love with in the first place.
It’s important to occasionally get some distance from your partner, assert your independence, maintain some hobbies or interests that are just yours. Have some separate friends. Take an occasional trip somewhere by yourself. Remember what made you you and what drew you to your partner in the first place. Without this space, without this oxygen to breathe, the fire between the two of you will die out and what were once sparks will become only friction.
6. Accepting Your Partner’s Flaws
In his famous book The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera said there are two types of womanizers: 1) men who are looking for the perfect woman and can never find her, and 2) men who convince themselves that every woman they meet is already perfect.
I love this observation and believe it applies to not just womanizers, but just about anyone who consistently finds themselves in dysfunctional relationships. They either try to make their partner be perfect by “fixing” them or changing them. Or they delude themselves into thinking that their partner is already perfect.
This is one of those things that is not nearly as complicated as it feels. Let’s break it down:
Every person has flaws and imperfections.
You can’t ever force a person to change.
Therefore: You must date somebody who has flaws you can live with or even appreciate.
The most accurate metric for your love of somebody is how you feel about their flaws. If you accept them and even adore some of their shortcomings — her obsessive cleanliness, his awkward social ticks — and they can accept and even adore some of your shortcomings, well, then that’s a sign of true intimacy.
One of the best expressions of this idea came from Plato in the form of a myth. In his Symposium, Plato wrote that humans were originally androgynous and whole. There were no men or women. They felt no lack, no uncertainty, and they were powerful, so powerful that they rose up and challenged the gods themselves.
This posed a problem for the gods. They didn’t want to completely wipe out the human race as they’d have no one to rule over. But at the same time they had to do something to humble and distract humanity.
So Zeus split them in half. He split each human into a man and a woman and doomed them to spend their brief mortal existence wandering the world looking for their other half, the half that would make them feel whole and powerful again. And this wholeness came not from two perfections meeting, but two imperfections meeting, two imperfections that both complemented and compensated for one another’s shortcomings.
The artist Alex Grey once said that, “True love is when two people’s pathologies complement one another’s.” Love is, by definition, crazy and irrational. And the best love works when our irrationalities complement one another and our flaws enamor one another.
It may be our perfections that attract one another. But it’s our imperfections that decide whether we stay together or not.
(I know, sell out.)
But the post also helped a lot of people. Since writing it, it’s generated a staggering amount of thank you emails, and no less than 20 people notified me that it inspired them to end their relationships (or even in a few cases, their marriages). It was the wake up call these people needed to finally let go and accept that their relationship was gagging them with a shit-spoon every day. And they deserved better.
(So I guess I’m a home-wrecker and a sell out. Sweet.)
But the article also elicited a lot of questions like, “So if these habits ruin a relationship, what habits create a happy and healthy relationship?” and “Where’s an article on what makes a relationship great?” and “Mark, how did you get so handsome?”
These are important questions. And they deserve answers.
Granted, I have far more experience screwing up relationships than making them work well, but I still wanted to take a stab at a “healthy relationship” post. I didn’t want to just make it a (yet another) “learn to communicate and cuddle and watch sunsets and play with puppies together” type post. You can find those posts just about everywhere. And honestly, those posts suck. If you love your partner, you shouldn’t have to be told to hold hands and watch sunsets together. This stuff should be automatic.
I wanted to write something different. I wanted to write about issues that are important in relationships but don’t receive enough airtime. Things like the role of fighting, hurting each other’s feelings, dealing with dissatisfaction or feeling the occasional attraction for other people. These are normal, everyday relationship issues that don’t get talked about because it’s far easier to talk about puppies and sunsets instead.
Puppies: The ultimate solution to all of your relationship problems.
And so I wrote this article. This is the first article’s bizarro twin brother. That article explained that many of our culture’s tacitly accepted relationship habits secretly erode intimacy, trust and happiness. This article explains how traits that don’t fit our traditional narrative for what love is and what love should be, are actually necessary ingredients for lasting relationship success.
Enjoy.
1. Letting Some Conflicts Go Unresolved
There’s this guy. His name is John Gottman. And he is like the Michael Jordan of relationship research. Not only has he been studying intimate relationships for more than 40 years, but he practically invented the field.
Gottman devised the process of “thin-slicing” relationships, a technique where he hooks couples up to all sorts of biometric devices and then records them having short conversations about their problems. Gottman then goes back and analyzes the conversation frame by frame looking at biometric data, body language, tonality and specific words chosen. He then combines all of this data together to predict whether your marriage sucks or not.
His “thin-slicing” process boasts a staggering 91% success rate in predicting whether newly-wed couples will divorce within 10 years — a staggeringly high result for any psychological research. His method went on to be featured in Malcolm Gladwell’s bestselling book Blink. Gottman’s seminars also report a 50% higher success rate of saving troubled marriages than traditional marriage counseling. His research papers have won enough academic awards to fill the state of Delaware. And he’s written nine books on the subjects of intimate relationships, marital therapy and the science of trust.
The point is, when it comes to understanding what makes long-term relationships succeed, John Gottman will slam-dunk in your face and then sneer at you afterwards.
And the first thing Gottman says in almost all of his books is this: The idea that couples must communicate and resolve all of their problems is a myth.
In his research of thousands of happily married couples, some of whom who have been married for 40+ years, he found time and again that most successful couples have persistent unresolved issues, unresolved issues that they’ve sometimes been fighting about for decades. Meanwhile many of the unsuccessful couples insisted on resolving fucking everything because they believed that there should be a void of disagreement between them. Pretty soon there was a void of a relationship too.
People like to fantasize about “true love.” But if there is such a thing, it requires us to sometimes accept things we don’t like.
Successful couples accept and understand that some conflict is inevitable, that there will always be certain things they don’t like about their partners or things they don’t agree with, and that this is fine. You shouldn’t need to feel the need to change somebody in order to love them. And you shouldn’t let some disagreements get in the way of what is otherwise a happy and healthy relationship.
The truth is, trying to resolve a conflict can sometimes create more problems than it fixes. Some battles are simply not worth fighting. And sometimes the most optimal relationship strategy is one of “live and let live.”
2. Being Willing to Hurt Each Other’s Feelings
My girlfriend is one of those women who spends a lot of time in front of the mirror. She loves to look amazing and I love for her to look amazing too (obviously).
Nights before we go out, she always comes out of the bathroom after an hour-long make-up/hair/clothes/whatever-women-do-in-there session and asks me how she looks. She’s usually gorgeous. But every once in a while, she looks bad. She tried to do something new with her hair or decided to wear a pair of boots that some flamboyant fashion designer from Milan thought were avant-garde. And it just doesn’t work.
When I tell her this, she usually gets pissed off. And as she marches back into the closet to redo everything and make us 30 minutes late, she spouts a bunch of four-letter words and sometimes even slings a few of them at me.
Men stereotypically lie in this situation to make their girlfriends/wives happy. But I don’t. Why? Because honesty in my relationship is more important to me than feeling good all of the time. The last person I should ever have to censor myself with is the woman I love.
Fortunately, I date a woman who agrees. She calls me out on my bullshit sometimes, and it’s honestly one of the most important traits she offers me as a partner. Sure, my ego gets bruised and I bitch and complain and try to argue, but a few hours later I come sulking back and admit that she was right and holy crap she makes me a better person even though I hated hearing it at the time.
When our highest priority is to always make ourselves feel good, or to always make our partner feel good, then nobody ends up feeling good. And our relationships fall apart without us even knowing it.
It’s important to make something more important in your relationship than merely making each other feel good all of the time. The feel good stuff happens when you get the other stuff right. The sunsets and puppies, they happen when you get the more important stuff right: values, needs and trust.
If I feel smothered and need more time alone, I need to be capable of saying that without blaming her and she needs to be capable of hearing it without blaming me, despite the unpleasant feelings it may cause. If she feels that I’m cold and unresponsive to her, she needs to be capable of saying it without blaming me and I need to be capable of hearing it without blaming her, despite the unpleasant feelings it may generate.
These conversations are paramount to maintaining a healthy relationship that meets both people’s needs. With out them, we get lost and lose track of one another.
3. Being Willing to End It
Romantic sacrifice is idealized in our culture. Show me almost any romantic movie and I’ll show you a desperate and needy character who treats themselves like dog shit for the sake of being in love with someone.
The truth is our standards for what a “successful relationship” should be are pretty screwed up. If a relationship ends and someone’s not dead, then we view it as a failure, regardless of the emotional or practical circumstances present in the person’s lives. And that’s kind of insane.
Shut up and jump already. Romeo and Juliet was originally written as satire to represent everything that’s wrong with young love and how irrational romantic beliefs can make you do stupid shit like drink poison because your parents don’t like some girl’s parents. But somehow we look at this story as romantic. It’s this kind of irrational idealization that leads people to stay with partners who are abusive or negligent, to give up on their own needs and identities, to make themselves into imaginary martyrs who are perpetually miserable, to suppress their own pain and suffering in the name of maintaining a relationship “until death do us part.”
Sometimes the only thing that can make a relationship successful is ending it at the appropriate time, before it becomes too damaging. And the willingness to do that allows us to establish the necessary boundaries to help ourselves and our partner grow together.
“Shoot myself to love you; if I loved myself I’d be shooting you.”
- Marilyn Manson
“Until death do us part” is romantic and everything, but when we worship our relationship as something more important than ourselves, our values, our needs and everything else in our lives, we create a sick dynamic where there’s no accountability. We have no reason to work on ourselves and grow because our partner has to be there no matter what. And our partner has no reason to work on themselves and grow because we’re going to be there no matter what. It invites stagnation and stagnation equals misery.
Our cultural scripts for romance includes this sort of mental tyranny, where any mildly emotional or sexual thought not involving your partner amounts to high treason. Being in love is like a cult where you’re supposed to prefer drinking Kool Aid laced with cyanide to letting your thoughts wander to whether other religions may be true too.
As much as we’d like to believe that we only have eyes for our partner, biology says otherwise. Once we get past the honeymoon phase of starry eyes and oxytocin, the novelty of our partner wears off a bit. And unfortunately, human sexuality is partially wired around novelty. I get emails all the time from people in happy marriages/relationships who get blindsided by finding someone else attractive and they feel like horrible, horrible people because of it. Not only are we capable of finding multiple people attractive and interesting at the same time, but it’s a biological inevitability.
What isn’t an inevitability are our choices to act on it or not. Most of us, most of the time, choose to not act on those thoughts. And like waves, they pass through us and leave us with our partner very much the same way how they found us.
This triggers a lot of guilt in some people and a lot of irrational jealousy in others. Our cultural scripts tell us that once we’re in love, that’s supposed to be it, end of story. And if someone flirts with us and we enjoy it, or if we catch ourselves having an occasional errant sexy-time fantasy, there must be something wrong with us or our relationship.
But that’s simply not the case. In fact, it’s healthier to allow oneself to experience these feelings and then let them go.
When you suppress these feelings, you give them power over you, you let them dictate your behavior for you (suppression) rather than dictating your behavior for yourself (feeling them and yet choosing not to do anything).
People who suppress these urges are the ones who are likely to eventually succumb to them and give in and suddenly find themselves screwing the secretary in the broom closet and having no idea how they got there and come to deeply regret it about twenty-two seconds afterward. People who suppress these urges are the ones who are likely to project them onto their partner and becoming blindingly jealous, attempting to control their partner’s every thought and whim, corralling all of their partner’s attention and affection onto themselves. People who suppress these urges are the ones who are likely to wake up one day disgruntled and frustrated with no conscious understanding of why, wondering where all of the days went and remember how in love we used to be?
Looking at attractive people is enjoyable. Speaking to attractive people is enjoyable. Thinking about attractive people is enjoyable. That’s not going to change because of our Facebook relationship status. And when you dampen these impulses towards other people, you dampen them towards your partner as well. You’re killing a part of yourself and it ultimately only comes back to harm your relationship.
When I meet a beautiful woman now, I enjoy it, as any man would. But it also reminds me why out of all of the beautiful women I’ve ever met and dated, I chose to be with my girlfriend. I see in the attractive women everything my girlfriend has and most women lack. And while I appreciate the attention or even flirtation, the experience only strengthens my commitment. Attractiveness is common. But real intimacy is not.
When we commit to a person, we are not committing our thoughts, feelings or perceptions. We can’t control our own thoughts, feelings and perceptions the majority of the time, so how could we ever make that commitment?
What we control are our actions. And what we commit to that special person are our actions. Let everything else come and go, as it inevitably will.
5. Spending Time Apart
You see it all the time: the man who meets his girlfriend and stops playing basketball and hanging out with his friends, or the woman who suddenly decides she loves every comic book and video game her boyfriend likes even though she doesn’t know how to hold the XBox controller properly. We all have that friend who mysteriously ceased to exist as soon as they got into their relationship. And it’s troubling, not just for us but for them.
When we fall in love we develop irrational beliefs and desires. One of these desires is to allow our lives to be consumed by the person we’re infatuated with. This feels great. It’s intoxicating in much of the same way cocaine is intoxicating (no, really). The problem only arises when this actually happens.
The problem with allowing your identity to be consumed by a romantic relationship is that as you change to be closer to the person you love, you cease to be the person they fell in love with in the first place.
It’s important to occasionally get some distance from your partner, assert your independence, maintain some hobbies or interests that are just yours. Have some separate friends. Take an occasional trip somewhere by yourself. Remember what made you you and what drew you to your partner in the first place. Without this space, without this oxygen to breathe, the fire between the two of you will die out and what were once sparks will become only friction.
6. Accepting Your Partner’s Flaws
In his famous book The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera said there are two types of womanizers: 1) men who are looking for the perfect woman and can never find her, and 2) men who convince themselves that every woman they meet is already perfect.
I love this observation and believe it applies to not just womanizers, but just about anyone who consistently finds themselves in dysfunctional relationships. They either try to make their partner be perfect by “fixing” them or changing them. Or they delude themselves into thinking that their partner is already perfect.
This is one of those things that is not nearly as complicated as it feels. Let’s break it down:
Every person has flaws and imperfections.
You can’t ever force a person to change.
Therefore: You must date somebody who has flaws you can live with or even appreciate.
The most accurate metric for your love of somebody is how you feel about their flaws. If you accept them and even adore some of their shortcomings — her obsessive cleanliness, his awkward social ticks — and they can accept and even adore some of your shortcomings, well, then that’s a sign of true intimacy.
One of the best expressions of this idea came from Plato in the form of a myth. In his Symposium, Plato wrote that humans were originally androgynous and whole. There were no men or women. They felt no lack, no uncertainty, and they were powerful, so powerful that they rose up and challenged the gods themselves.
This posed a problem for the gods. They didn’t want to completely wipe out the human race as they’d have no one to rule over. But at the same time they had to do something to humble and distract humanity.
So Zeus split them in half. He split each human into a man and a woman and doomed them to spend their brief mortal existence wandering the world looking for their other half, the half that would make them feel whole and powerful again. And this wholeness came not from two perfections meeting, but two imperfections meeting, two imperfections that both complemented and compensated for one another’s shortcomings.
The artist Alex Grey once said that, “True love is when two people’s pathologies complement one another’s.” Love is, by definition, crazy and irrational. And the best love works when our irrationalities complement one another and our flaws enamor one another.
It may be our perfections that attract one another. But it’s our imperfections that decide whether we stay together or not.
:: Feeling lighter ::
"Through the struggle, through the trial You have made my burden light You have brought me back to life again."
- Hillsong
:: Legacy over prestige ::
after an eye opener experience, i have realized those who are so deep into the whole world of status and dollars carries a minimal quality and maturity in any mental sense. those who are truly rich do not have to boast or prove anything with their lifestyles and labels. comparison in these minimal issues says quite a number of things of one's security or lack of. education, class and a job does not define you. it may bring you places with all the various connections and opportunities, but it is what you do with it that truly makes you who you are as a human being and a person with character. all these air will eventually evaporate. just glad i am finally breathing something fresh, real and lasting. i would honestly chose legacy over prestige any day. xxx
Sunday, June 1, 2014
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