1. A list about love and sex isn’t going to make you any more astute about love and sex, but it’s nice to know you’re not alone.
2. Sober sex is a litmus test for how much you love someone.
3. Pharmaceutical companies need to invent a bottled pill version of “The Honeymoon Phase.”
4. It’s not about who wins and who loses. You lose when you think of your relationship as a game of chess.
5. Don’t underestimate the benefits of masturbating: guaranteed climax, a better understanding of what your partner can do to please you, and (most importantly) no mindf*ck the morning after.
6. It’s not true love if he only enters you through the backdoor.
7. Don’t downplay the value of a clutch sexy-back playlist.
8. A solid relationship is one in which two people just make a deal that they will help the other person be the best version of him or herself.
9. Breaking up isn’t sad, but staying in a miserable relationship is.
10. Promiscuity is another way of saying “practice makes perfect.”
11. The associative property of math dictates that if he isn’t nice to his mom, the waiter or his sibling, then he won’t be nice to you.
12. When flatulence doesn’t impede your flirting, you’ve got something special.
13. WARNING: Do not take molly/ecstasy/mind-altering, touchy-feeling drugs together until you’re certain about how you feel about the person…this may lead to premature and invalid admissions of love.
14. It’s okay if you’re only getting laid by your vibrator for longer than you care to admit.
15. If it’s another UTI, look on the bright side: at least you’re getting it in.
16. When saying “I like you” just doesn’t suffice anymore and all you want to do is scream “I love you” – say it. Say you are in love and you don’t care who knows it.
17. Shaving your legs is the first step to getting down. Just takes a little willpower.
18. Rom-coms can be just as satisfying as porn.
19. Though you don’t care to admit it, you can find meaning, solace and even quality relationship advice while listening to Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus songs.
20. Focusing on dressing up, feeling good and sharing a quality evening will make dating much more enjoyable.
21. Balancing the time spent with your boyfriend and your girlfriends is as important as bringing both parties together.
22. Being great at blowjobs is like nailing a presentation. Be proud of your oral skills!
23. If you find yourself making excuses for him to your friends and family, you have no excuse for staying with him.
24. If you don’t take risks (or be a little risqué), you gain nothing in return.
25. If he hasn’t let you finish first, you’re always going to come second.
26. Being a great wingman is like being the reigning champ at beer pong – you might not get much credit, but people know they can rely on you to score.
27. Saying “I love you” isn’t enough. Your man needs to show you… preferably with spooning and flowers…
28. Do not confuse lust for love. If you love having sex with him, but hate the idea of eating a meal alone together, he’s probably not meant to make it to the next step.
29. Sometimes a girl’s just got to get laid!
30. Being in a relationship is a reason not to let yourself go.
31. You can always tell how a guy feels about you by the way he looks at you. If you’re getting doe eyes, he’s crazy for you.
32. “Make it work” was Tim Gunn’s slogan, it shouldn’t be your relationship motto.
33. How do you tell if you guys are meant to be? You love to annoy him and you love it when he annoys you back.
34. Obvious battle wounds from last night’s affair (cough hickies cough) won’t help you attract new suitors.
35. Having a hidden piercing never hurt nobody…
36. Don’t get caught up in social media B.S. – changing your Facebook photo to the two of you won’t stop him from cheating and liking an ex-boyfriend’s status doesn’t mean we want to get back together.
37. True love is being able to tell him the truth: his breath smells, he has food stuck in his teeth, his idea sucks or he’s wrong.
38. If he can kick it with your best friend, grandma and baby cousin… he’s a keeper.
39. If you don’t understand why people cheat, congratulations – that means you haven’t yet.
40. If it didn’t work out the first, second or tenth time, it’s not going to work out. Ever. Stop trying to make fetch happen, it isn’t going to happen.
41. It’s okay if the only guys you text are your dad or your brother.
42. If you let him in through the backdoor and live to tell the tale…it IS true love.
43. If you have to imagine Brad Pitt just to get turned on around him, it’s not a good sign.
44. Saying that “looks don’t matter” is what you need to tell yourself 30 years from now, not while you’re in your youthful prime.
45. Sending nude pics is like forgoing a condom: you know you shouldn’t, but you do it anyway.
46. Remember, in the end, the most important love is self-love. If you can’t love yourself, don’t expect other people to.
47. Same thing goes for sex: if you don’t know what you like, you can’t expect another person to figure it out.
48. Think of your bar tab as a down payment on the night out.
49. Research shows that gymnasts who visualize their routines before they perform them are more successful at nailing them. Visualize success, you WILL get nailed.
50. Know that regardless if you are in love, have lost love or are seeking love – you ARE loved.
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