just as you said you are going to keep on going, still worshiping with in awe despite feeling the sting, you fall down again, and this time it deals with home. one where your love ones gets the heat from your current state of fury and hurt beyond reason.
even when they are helping you, and your sprit will enlighten you on the person's heart, your soul just sticks on what your heart feels, disconnecting all sense of control and wisdom. and you react so quickly before doing what is right catches you - ahhh, the convenience on reacting on what the flesh thinks it selfishly deserves, rather than the inconvenience on pausing before doing anything you would have red flags all over.
what we carry inside of us, throughly does affect our surroundings and hence people. changing all dynamics on what was meant to be peaceful and harmonious, to lost of temper and actions without wisdom and control. this is man, man does not care about anything other than himself - and it is the walk that determines the heart of the person, rather than just the talk - cos everyone can talk.
one can say they are okay when they truly know they are not. one can use all biblical words to buffer the tension when they truly know they still feel it. one can be asked on how they are feeling when they truly know that something is hidden. one can use another's hurtful experience when they know the other is still healing. one can expect the other to get over what was wounded before when one also took more than awhile to find closure in a personal experience. one can be hurt by assumptions of another where one knows one is doing the same exact thing.
this is what man is best at, caring for themselves and not taking a pause to think about the bigger picture which includes another. this is not how a relationship is meant to be -- a one way street which all traffic is directed to only one person. i have let alot of things slide, not living by expectations, and understanding the heart of one rather than their words, but i would need an extra enlargement by Him this time round.
always i have thought of you, knowing how you would react, or like, or feel, considering all factors involving all of you and nothing less. knowing even being truthful you might take it the wrong way, hence the explanation and instead of that, i was screamed with the words: judgement and consequences. wow, what two very wrong words they both carry, even with being apologetic twice and meaning it twice.
a person's true character really shines only through rough waters than calm. to see forth the longivity in what one may value and what one may truly believe.
and with all that, i get blamed for what is going on where initially the tension was all on you which you blatantly denied. as well as doing the final move of ignoring my fifth and final reach out which took so much of His grace to do so, and being shut completely off with no absolute clue, leaving me with stains on the whole situation in a worsen state,
NO MORE. NO, MORE.
one's joy is not stolen, unless they allow it - not even the down right harshness. for much have been trashed, much will also be deleted, and perhaps, just perhaps, it only lasted for a season - the word that i feared and doubt, and so hard to embrace.
but i trust not in the faithfulness of my own, but His. something lost is another opportunity for a restoration in a more complete and gentler form than before.
in the mean time, as a kind soul has enoucraged me:
"after awhile, whatever that God doesn't give weight to, it will pass. :)"
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