{ NO MORE. Pt. 1 }

interesting where the SAME issue that cuts deep (on both ends of course), resonates not among those who lies on the surface of your heart, but within the rare gems who you keep extremely close to, treasuring and thinking the world of.

somehow, the glimpse of march is replaying but with a different character, simlar situations, but different reasons - initially you may blindly think it could be the obvious reasons as it happened in all the previous experiences, but apparently not (which i regretted etting it out, even when being truthful to a love one, which ended up hurting instead).

is it okay to be selfish this time round? is like there was an ultimate reached the last time, accumulated with experiencing the scorching heat that relentlessly did not stop. oh it will and shall and most definitely be the ENDING of this vicious cycle this time round.

have thought back and realized that of all the similar situations, the reasons were so clear and ended up being scarily true (and some even more) - which took the other party a hard time to swallow. hence forgiveness, being the bigger person, doing the right thing and continuous giving from the recipient end of that (which was always yours truly) had to be done, even when felt being wronged.

honestly, have looked around and thought, hmm.. am i the only one who is going through this? getting treated not the way that one would like to? not saying that everyone is perfect, but at least can they have a decency to not act upon their unstablized emotions and immediately take it out on one that has not done anything ill to deserve it.

if one has done so, one would understand the reason behind such treatment, but what happens when it just pops up unexpectedly and undeservingly? just to ponder on that goes no where but mere thoughts of the possible causes which still leaves you hanging cluelessly.

so that is why we cannot use flesh to battle with flesh -- for the Spirit reveals what man cannot and WILL not.

- selah -

funny how you are almost healed from a current fall out, that another one creeps up again. how can one determine how long your healing should be, and expecting fast recovery instead of having the patience of support and love? did i say to get over yours even if it has been for years comparative to the months i have accumlatied? fair isn't it..

love is not hard to do, is the CONTINOUS act of it beyond all circumstances and expectations is what causes people to hold back, build up unnecssary tension and eventually, lost of a relationship which you did not even think of hapenning in the first place.

God does go through moments like this with us. He did not say "though I walk through the valley.." for no apparent reason. it is purely for times where is so unbearable, especially the ones that you feel like giving up - not only because of the situation, but the unwanted tumoil of emotions that comes with it.

my heart is EXTREMELY tender right now, but He is also strengtening it at the same time, bringing out extra endurance that you would say comes only supernaturally.

for both situations, i thought the other person would be of a much stronger character, perhaps we are all like this on the outside, but it is what matters in the inside. and i am going to say this:

will NEVER again have ANYONE to dedate how i should be feeling, or should be living up to their expectations, because EVERYONE deserves a right to be heard in all sort of manners -- not in a way that is disrespectful in public, but one that is supported behind close doors.

will NEVER again let this tension and hurt from another hold be down nor destroy me. their personal issues will NOT be tranferrable and affect His joy and peace in me. i'd ENOUGH with reasoning and finding solutions for others peace and comfort -- it is time to care for my own.

even when grace is not recepriocated from another, even when a constant reach hand is repeartedly declined from another, even when one is misunderstood and not heard from another, I DONT CARE ANYMORE. i just plainly don't -- and this is the VERY first time i am saying this, WITHOUT feeling bad or condemed even when another person words is playing in my ears.

NEVER want to play the savior mode ever again. that burden is far too much to bear, and wasn't even meant to be part of our role, THE SAVING IS ALWAYS BEEN HIS, AND I REALLY NEED TO KNOW THAT, and also to live by it.

HIS hand is ONLY the one that does the reaching out, HIS heart is the ONLY the one that does the unconditional loving, HIS word is ONLY the one that does the convicting, HIS spirit is the ONLY one that does the revealing, HIS grace is the only one that does the amazing and HIS actions is the ONLY one does the transforming.

NOT mine, NOT anyone else, NOT ever.

FINALLY putting this matter and all else that was from the past to rest -- going back to the cross, laying it ALL down, falling right at His feet, and just doing what we are called to do, which is just to WORSHIP Him. this is the HIGEST calling that He has given each and everyone of us, and i shall answer it because of the pure conviction that He is love, He is good and He is able.

- selah -