Show me how to love, like You have loved me.

What have I done? I word vomited everywhere and now there is a stanch of   tension amidst the room. A mess that has affected everyone, and especially the head of the household. Grace has been undeserved and unmerited yet again. And even the aftermath, it was still there lending a hand.

[Deep sigh]

As a family, we have been through many different seasons together and individually to a point that adaptability can be quite taxing in both emotionally and physically.

With being apart for many years now, we are now prone to our very own way of life unlike the years before where we had closer proximity and togetherness. Weekday nights were family dinners and Sundays were strictly for prayers and worship.

But with living at different countries, we developed our own lifestyle where when we are reunited, it collides. They say separation makes the heart grow fonder. I say, it creates a hole amongst relationships as everyone has set up their personal routine without the disturbance of others.

Honestly, sorry to be selfish but I'm really really tired and I know I am not alone at this. I realize that dealing with it as a family creates support and unity instead of trying it on our own. It is time to readjust our comforts to others and not of our lives. We not only please the people around us but God as well. 

"Show me how to love like You have loved me.."

WE NEED YOU GOD, MORE THAN EVER.

WE'RE TIRED AND SICK OF IT ALL.

GIVE US SOMETHING TO HOPE FOR AND LEAN ON.

FOR YOU REIGN IN POWER AND LOVE

Living in Your glory and grace.

When your under law,

there's always bound to be some sort of shortage or failures.

You are always striving and when you get tempted, condemnation creeps in.

It is when moments like that, you need the love of Grace.

Grace empowers you and super-abounds when we fall.

The law is always ready to condemn us.

But Jesus, He is always ready to catch us and love us just as we are.

"Your love will never fail."

On personal experiences, there are moments of self control.

Yes it may work on a temporal basis,

but not a maintenance level for long term.

Shopping and diets are my worst enemies.

With their clothing and food partners, they seem to get the weak side of me.

(Not the best, because that side is only affected by Him*)

With the plastic used, and the consumption of sinful treats taunting me,

 I give in and have side effects of a guilty conscious shopperholic/anorexic.

"Why did I buy or eat that.." or "Omg I should not have bought or ate that.."

I give up trying, pushing and using my own strength.

None of that can pull me through.

Only He can.

As we cast all our cares to Him,

not only He cares for us but He has already began working on it.

God does the work while we rest in Him.

So I'd enough of being caught up at the shops or at the pantry.

They shant rule over me and hence it is all by His spirit;

that is going to lead me to victory.

"Over everything Lord, You reign!"

Ready?

Ready.

But, are You?

(Waiting for You)

@Yahweh.

When I fail, it is Your undeserved grace that picks me up.

Yahweh, I look to You and my hope is in You.

Enjoying the ride.

Watching people ending one part of their lives and starting anew is rather a bittersweet emotion.

Yes, when one door closes another opens.

But what about all the past experiences that happened?

Does it fade into a distant memory,

remaining behind the closed door and never opened again?

(L)ife (I)s (F)ull of (Endings) are not always disney inspired with an happily after tag to it.

Being happy is not our very aim as it does vary;

mostly according to our happenings.

However rather being mature prepares you for your let down moments,

 And builds a shield which does not affect you that much as it may have before.

Ultimately, who says we are living for ourselves?

I realize when you step out of your comfort zone,

into your new, He meets you there.

It is like He has not only been waiting at the finish line,

but walking with you also.

He is near, right here, at this present moment, in your every second, during your daily life;

Loving, gracing, hugging, kissing and embracing every part of you.

Doubt your doubts and trust in the greatness of our Abba Father and how everything is possible for Him. 

He is on our side and we shall enjoy the ride.

E

I surrender* all.

How come when one part of your life seems to pick up,

The other does your head in?

Funny how life works that way.

Fortunately He reminds us to 'be of good cheer'.

Hard to say when things are unsettled.

It darkens your light of hope and brings you to a point of desperation.

"Why God, why me?"

Pslams 62:8

"Trust in Him at all times; ye people,

Pour out your heart before Him.

God is a refuge for us.

Selah."

I'd  experience a number of events of break downs,

 And this is time I have decided:

"Enough is enough!"

Going to take back the authority, make a stand, refuse to back down

 And have Him as my sole refuge.

Based not on my strength because it will not last, but of His *.

My love, joy and peace shall not be stolen but restored.

Everything that lacks, He meets it and gives us more.

You bring me life, You bring me hope, You're all I need I Lord.

[Moving on]

Beginning to question what your future upholds,

 Is a ride that one should not take.

With blurry vision and assumptions going against what He has promised us,

It brings us to wondering:

"Is this it?" or "Are you sure God?"

We have big dreams;

Ones that seem hard to reach and come by if based on our limited thinking.

Humans as we are, realism and logic is simpler hence easier to trust.

If so, we are definitely putting our faith to waste.

Our ultimate source to all things is Him.

Everything and anything comes from Him and through Him.

Isn't that how the whole earth, universe, milky ways and planets were formed?

Yet we question His orchestrated blessings for us.

Dare I put doubt on our maker and creator?

He is the one with the eagle eye view,

 whilst we only choose what we want to see.

I know what I want.

But do I know what He wants for me?

I surrender all.

God of all things new.

Soft spots are the hardest to get rid off.
They always seem to be deepened inside the walls of your heart,
Previous emotions still triggers your very core.
Familiar feelings begins to unfold, and you are now reminiscing slowly into your past.

Regretting and wishing what could have been is one of the very side effects.

You start to paint a picture of the events you desired to happen, but never did.

Condemning the fact that you have missed out on what was yet so amazing back then.

What was treasured is now been lost and there is no road to going back.

The sign of no entry screams move on.
So why are we still back to where we were?

God is a God of all things new.

He multiplies what was lost, and replace it with His abundance.
Double potions are ours for the taking.
And we do not just start back at one, but are new creation-ers.

No turning back, just moving forward.

I need my space.

This is very moment where I just want to be alone.

Not caring of being self-fish,

but it is the only place of solitude I comfort in.

How can one breath with so much going on

Back at one.

I'm coming to The Father. Back to the first love.

[1 John 4:19]

What can separate me now?

Done and finally made up my mind.

I am done, and finally made up my mind.

This is it. 

Trusts in Your spirit and favor.

Your grace* is enough, more than I need.

And that is the only thing that is keeping me afloat.
I question my situation and place my cares upon it.

As Psalm 23 goes,

" You are my shepherd and I will not lack. " 

Nor would I want because with You, I have got everything.
Only green pastures and overflowing rivers are my hiding place.

Where ever you lead me Lord, I shall follow.

So here goes:

(Gives you my hand and walking with You.)

Breaking Down, Picking Up & Swinging It.

Four major breakdowns (inc. the last one five minutes ago),

and I've yet seen the light.

Clueless and confused for the reason for all the drama and tears,
my emotions are left bare and dry.

I have cried enough.
I have fight enough.
I have worried enough.

When will this end?

My answer is only You.
And I'm going to stick to that no matter what.

Mode: Picking up the sword and ready to swing it.