the pause button seem to be held in a minimal, and in two days time at the most, the hectic and madness would play itself over again affecting every bit of my state possible. up and down it goes, and the repeat of always going to Him about the same issue is getting rather redundantly burdensome.
and because relationships mean so much to me, it spills throughout my whole area of life and now i find myself to not want to be apart of my constant ever growing circle that also seems to be joint to each other in somehow or way. it is like, is there any possible form of escape or space?
dealing with the character of others does take more than grace to attempt to understand their actions and motives which one may not be entirely agree to. you think you have done enough, or actually beyond what your emotions and heart can take on, and yet it blows up in heat and hatred -- harsh but true in that very moment itself.
but seriously, does one really take into consideration of the other person all the time? even most can be rather taxing on the heart and if so, what about all the time? the world always goes to fend for ourselves and yet He turned around and fended for each and every 6.5 billon of us.
for what i am experiencing right now, i would say He is definitely working on something; something that in the first time of my life brings me to the end and lowest of my very self, and not even my God given abilities can pull me through this.
every single area of my life seems to be targeted at some point of level, and that level is the is one to do with relationships. since some of it does hold a long term effect of my heart, be it in relationships with family, church, work and others, my spirit gets so low that the attacks are one unbearable.
quite honestly, if it had not been Him and the journey that He took me for 24 years, and soon to be 25 in less than a month, i would not be at my post right now. yes the storms and waves are crashing in, but He has been rising up in every single one of those and will definitely continue to do so.
He always prepares us for every single situation that hits us so that when we fall, we get back up quicker and with a better and stronger armor and weaponry for the next. have realized that since last year which is never too late.
so this time round, i would say is by far the most chastening i am experiencing and it takes more than a big lump of dosage of the same old routine to get me back up. everything that i learnt and have worked previously is out of the door because He is not a man with routine and methods of doing things.
it goes above the typical saying of letting go and letting God. no seriously, is like He is stretching myself and my limits on how far i can go and take it on spiritually and physically and all i can say is, the reason i am still living and breathing is all Him.
He is the very reason of my little existence on this earth. i am tired of doing, pleasing and putting my confidence on man, both the world and even among my closet circle. it is time to make another paradigm shift not just into a whole other level but dimension of what my walk with Him is all about. and, He will be solely the One responsible for all of its goodness.
i am dying to myself and my carnal desires (even they may seem good or "Godly") and living in the presence, being and glory of His likeness. nothing and i mean nothing is going to hold me down any longer. He is builder and up-grader of all things which means victory is always on our side.
we have the upper hand because with God, it is beyond possible in everything that we set our mind, eyes, ears, mouth and heart upon. there shall be no more striving, stress, worries, anxiety, hatred, disappointment, hurt, pain, tears, lack, lies, condemnation and attacks because He took all that with Him at the cross, and destroyed its very existence with His blood.
now i am living not in the aftermath of what adam has done, but in the aftermath of what Christ has done. this is truly a life made for kingdom days. am not going to look here or there, because the kingdom (realm and reign) which is inside of Him is also and already in my midst among me, within me, inside me, surrounding me and here with me.
"Nor will people say, Look! Here [it is]! or, See, [it is] there!
For behold, the kingdom of God is within you [in your hearts],
and among you [surrounding you]."
Luke 17:21 (Amplified)
that means we were never born to settle, we were born to reign from the beginning till the end - "the reign of God is within you.." -- in these heaven on earth days, we are destined to be, forever reigning.
